Signs You Are In Another Country Part I

One of the things we have really enjoyed about living in England has been the signs about the place. The English, so we are told, love to be instructed, which is the function of most signs.

The English also have a far more sophisticated approach to the (wait for it) English language than that with which most Australians function. This is the land where Yes Minister is more of an instruction manual on the uses of ambiguity and understated misdirection in daily life than an exotic excursion into purely political misuse of language a la Yes Minister in Australia. England is a country which revels both in what the English language is capable of doing, and the legitimate ambiguity and range of meaning inherent in the simplest of phrases. At times it appears that almost every game show on Radio 4 is designed for language afficondos to show off the potential of English for amusing miscommunication and skillful precision - often at the same time.

We are of the opinion that it is only this profound self-awareness of how easy it is to misunderstand even the simplest communicative act that can explain English signs. English signs are prosaic in a way that makes mere prose look like Wordsworth. They leave nothing, completely, absolutely, utterly nothing to chance. If a sign delivers information, it spells that information out in excruciating detail. More often than not it will then proceed to help the reader understand exactly how they are to respond to receiving such information. Nothing is left to chance. Every time we read a sign over here we get the impression that the writer thinks that we are idiots...on a good day.

There also seem to be more signs over here - things that would just be trusted to someone's common sense in Australia will probably have it's own sign here. This maybe because anything designed to tell an Australian what to do will suffer being ignored (at best) and altered or defaced (at worst). Either way, there is probably a serious case to be made that manufacturing signs in Australia is a waste of public money. Obeying signs is really not the Australian way. It is probably on that secret list of 'unAustralian' qualities we need to avoid.

So, we have been enjoying the signs over here, and had thought to run a sort of competition listing the top three signs we've found. But there have been so many, that we thought we'd turn it into a kind of series that we'll probably return to from time to time while we are over here. Our first offering is this set, that we believe illustrate the pedantic and multiply redundant nature of English signs.

These signs we found in Penzance (of Pirates fame). They surrounded a large pool, filled with seawater. There were a number of signs around the fence, designed to appeal to a broad range of people.

First, there is the explanation of why you should not swim in this pool after it is closed.

I can't imagine the average Aussie's attention span surviving past the beginning of the fourth line, let alone "operational procedures mean the depth of water cannot be guaranteed" which in Australia would read something more like, "water may not be the depth it appears".

Then, in case you are of a more legal mind, there is a more obscure sign explaining under which circumstances you may enter the pool and when you may not.

Note that "Opening Hours" cannot be left to the reader to interpret for themselves. It needs the explanatory phrases, "when the gates are unlocked", and "and the pool is patrolled". And that last phrase needs its own qualifier, "by lifeguards". What possible chain of events required such a careful excluding of every possible interpretive cul de sac for the basic instruction, "Do Not Enter When Pool is Closed"? After a few encounters with signs like this we begin to worry whether this country is either exceptionally lawless or exceptionally stupid and we've just been oblivious to it. We think they should have given us a sign about this at Heathrow.

Then, in case you don't understand any of this, there is a simpler version.

And finally, if this has all been rather difficult and you don't understand what all these signs are telling you, there is one with a picture.


Nothing. Completely, abolutely, utterly nothing is left to chance. Just stay out of the pool already, OK? MDB & JMB